Posted by: the queen | July 26, 2009

my nenek

if there is one person whom I can say I have loved constantly through out my life – meaning I have never hated or resented her, even if for a millisecond – it would be my grandmother.

And of course, because she truly spoilt me. She took care of me when I was young, she cooked the stuff I wanted to eat, gave me milk with sugar (she asked me, I was a kid, of course I said yes, much to my mother’s consternation when one day she was saying okay mama buat susu and i go taruk gula and she was like SEJAK BILA MINUM SUSU DENGAN GULA and i go oh-so-innocently nenek tarok ape did I get my granna into trouble????). even though sometimes she told people the stuff my mom told her about me, the not-so-good stuff, I never ever got mad at her – I always blamed my mother instead. In my eyes my granna can do not wrong. She is my future, as we are the only ones who have the small, deep creased chinese eyes. I look like her when she was young, altho’ she was much more gorgeous of course,without the glasses and everything. I am the favourite granddaughter, the favourite niece even of my eldest aunt, for some weird reason – must be my winning personality. we know i’m no looker, compared to the bevy of my gorgeous cousins.

I resented my parents for never being there on important days – psle results, o level results – my granna got to know of my psle results first, before hte days of the phone. She was always proud of me, and she never hid it. Never got the “you should be doing better” or “this is just expectedof you, it’s not a big deal.” treatment that probably made me resent my olds so much. Forever envious of friends’ whose parents festooned gifts for every achievement, I learnt to not care about whether my parents favoured what I achieved academically or not.

It should come to no surprise that I am exactly who I am now, that my mother should look at me like I’m a huge problem, because I am not a normal child who has normal dreams who wants to do normal things, who would be content to do what everybody else does. I kick up trouble, I trouble people, and I still carry on doing it. The only pat on my back comes from myself and the assurance that I am doing it for God, if I were waiting for my parents to be proud of me, I would be wanting, probably for eternity. It’s not that I’m trying to be different, or stand out, or attract attention, or be somebody.  I don’t. I’m a nobody and a huge failure most of the time. Want a somebody, look at my high achieving friends. It is just a matter of this is what I have wanted to do since I was 18. And I could not live with myself if I did not try.

Still, it doesn’t mean that it is any less painful that I know I am such a disappointment of a daughter, and will continue to be so. it is difficult when the things you want to do run contrary to what the people who have given birth and brought you up, clothed you, fed you, loved you, raised you, would want you to do. either way, it is being trapped between a rock and a cave. Never mind that I am not opening a sleazy bar or a gambling den, but that I am doing anything constructive at all with my future that doesn’t lie between the scope of their wildest dreams, makes them feel like they have failed. the choice is a difficult one, and while I have an obligation to my parents, my highest obligation is to my Creator, and that is the only thing that keeps me going.


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