Posted by: the queen | July 27, 2009

giving up is an alien feeling. i usually fight back. and i get something at least half done in a way that satisfies myself because at least i tried.

yeah. at least i tried.

but I’ve reached my decision.

If my parents are not supportive enough to let me go, help me with the rent, then I quit.

I’d rather become a cashier. It’s all my fault, I know. i should have done this, done that. but I don’t regret what I did. to me, that was the most sensible course of action. I can’t bring it up with my father because I know I would screw it up. we would come to blows over it and I wouldn’t even have a smoking chance.

I’ve hung on for as long as I can without mentally decapitating myself.

Holding myself back using all my willpower from hurling myself in front of a moving car, right in front of my mother, is the last straw. feeling suicidal over this? not worth it. as pam says, I would be a lot happier being a cashier earning a lousy 5 bucks an hour.

while i may have had enough of being a pingpong ball, held in limbo, trapped by my own unwillingness and fear, I will still not capitulate. once the final word is out, I know exactly waht i’m goign to do.

1. write resumes.

2. go down to halijah and enlist as a volunteer. maybe i’ll get to go this year.

if i’m still barred from it, I’m out. seriously. i’m just out. as soon as I have the means.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: