Posted by: the queen | August 11, 2009

the half blood prince

BLOODY HELL is what I would use to describe the movie. And not in a nice way.

We should start with the good, because there are so few good things that it’s easy to start.

1. Tom Felton. Excellent acting, just excellent. While you were rather a sissy, but for some weird reason you had me at hello, or whatever it was you said. I only laughed when you appeared in a suit, but as you are supposedly the son of a rich man (even if said man is in Azkaban) it can be forgiven. After all, you can hardly expect Draco Malfoy, son of Lucius Malfoy, to hang about in skinnies and singlets, right?

I really loved him in the Astronomy Tower scene (if that was the astronomy tower, because personally I’d think if I was looking through a telescope on that rickety thing, one step back and I’d have my foot through a hole.) The bloodshot eyes, desperation – excellent, just excellent. Ilu Tom!

(Still, what’s the deal with whipping off the cloth off the Vanishing Cabinet? You’re a wizard, not a magician. Keep it straight, man.)

(his name IS Tom Felton, right?)

2. Lavender Brown. Sad to say I can’t remember for the life of me what her real name is, but she was rather good too. I could actually believe she had a crush on Ron. kinda. I especially liked hte hospital scene “But I’m his girlfriend!” Kudos to that performance as well. The bow you wear was initially very Miss Maid or Madame Goose or whatever it is I loved to play as a child, but it became very …becoming, eventually. 😀 I did love your big big eyes, you are very pretty.

3. Shoes and uniform. I kept thinking to myself  “gotta get myself a pair of those”. I normally do notice shoes, just that I don’t think I’d notice them in a movie. Ginny’s black ballet flats in her opening scene – gorgeous. Harry’s denim Converses? Gotta get me those. Ron’s slightly untucked shirt and blazer? HOTTTTT. Now the Quidditch uniform, however…we’ll get to that.

4. Oh the Quidditch was ok.

5. Cormac McLaggen was hot. Which is totally how it wasn’t in the book, because he’s supposed to be fairly disgusting, but hey, when you lack eyecandy, you sure can use all you can get.

THE BAD. Now this is going to be a neverending list. Since we’re talking about people, we can start with that.

1. Albus Dumbledore. Michael Gambon, was it? I’ve always hated him ever since he started in the Chamber of Secrets, but he grew worse and worse – eccentric is one thing, but perverse is just another. Gambon, I know you’re excited by the discovery that Dumbledore is gay, but do you have to take it to such a level? You had me convinced at one point of time that you were going to jump Harry any minute. *shiver*

2. And speaking of jumping, Bellatrix? Why are you going all pouty kissy at Snape, and, God forbid (but it’s done) Draco Malfoy, your own nephew??? I hardly imagined Bellatrix to be so flirty with anybody but the Dark Lord.

3. Harry. Not bad…I understand that it was radically different to act and stay true to the Harry in the books, given how drastically Yates changed shit. I mean, I know they’re all hormonally-charged or whatever, as Rowling reminds us, but does he really have to hit on every nice ass he sees?

Okay, that’s really not his fault. But what IS his fault is the horrible acting in Ron’s poison scene. I felt absolutely no sense of urgency at all, Radcliffe. (that’s right, I’m talking to you, the actor.) I’m like RON’S DYING!!! and you’re leisurely staring at him..”Professor, do something!” and you run over to the store cupboards and draw out the drawers, one, by, one….I’m sorry, but I felt absolutely no urgency in your search for a bezoar. you don’t have to pause to let us see it’s a bezoar, you know. Because you never showed us that you found out that a bezoar cures most poisons, so there was no point, AND, anybody who made it that far to watch #6 definitely has to have been a fan, because by the time you reach the third, it was just way too lousy to watch. (except #4 was exceptionally well written, given its humongous length.) So we all already know what you’re looking for. Might as well you keep us in the dark, because later everybody comments on how clever you were to think of a bezoar. I’d rather have the better acting then the logic-flowing. Once again, I fault this to Yates’ direction. Because Harry, while not exceptionally a great actor, is halfway decent. I don’t think he’d normally act like that, for this scene.

2) Ron. You’ve always outshone Harry anyway in terms of acting, and you still have. Once again my problem is with the direction – the scene where you were celebrating your Quidditch success? What exactly were you doing? Nothing, that’s what. You were merely waving your arms around like a fool (or a baboon, as McGonagall would say) and 2 seconds later Lavender decides it’s a fair time to start snogging you. If you were trying to keep any sense of logic flowing, you basically screwed it then.

and the bird scene? Once again, bad direction. You could have just stuck to the book and I think CGI would have done it very well – I don’t think Grint is incapable of it. But it was once again, poorly directed – the birds flew and became darts in such a way that it was obvious to me, through the way Ron “dodged”, that the darts weren’t there at all.

Other than that…not bad, I guess.

3. Hermione. Once again I gripe…only at chance scenes. Because you, like Grint and Radcliffe, are not a bad actress. But the opugneo scene? Come on, give a bit of a fight. You’re FURIOUS with Ron. You gave a wild scream and directed the birds at him. What was with the controlled “Opugneo.”? I suspect once again this is Yates tampering. Yates get real. The only people STILL watching HP now, are the diehard fans who wouldn’t miss a book or a movie. You’ve already lost the non-reading population (and you’ve actually lose some of the reading one because it sucks so bad.) The least you could do was try to stay true to the book instead of reinterpreting. Hermione after all, is not a controlled fury kind of person. She goes raging mad. We know that! Don’t change it! Emma is perfectly capable of it!

4. Ginny. Your acting is halfway decent, I suppose…I can kind of tell there is some kind of chemistry…but I have to admit the chemistry coming from Radcliffe was a tad more stronger. You’re also growing to be much prettier than I ever thought you could be – that eyeliner does wonders.

5. Remus. I have always considered him to be a casting mistake. I don’t think he’s neurotic at all. Werewolf he may be, but he’s a quiet, controlled man, not given to shouting fits. What happened?!?!?!?

Characters done… Now, Relationships.

6. I understand that the movie probably wanted to focus on this bit, as the sneak peeks have suggested. Well, fine. But you messed up again. Harry-Ginny – we never actually saw her and Dean break up. Which let me to wonder – when Ginny kissed Harry in the Room of R, was she actually cheating on Dean?!!?! Or am I supposed to make the assumption that the “fight” they had was equal to a break up?

7. Ron and Hermione – the few scenes you did let stay, was a disaster. You’ve already gone as far as making Ron making it snow. Ron is supposed to brush the snow from Hermione’s shoulders. WHY. DIDN’T. HE?!?!??! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVED THAT SCENE?!?!?! HOW COULD YOU TAKE IT AWAYYYY?!?!?! IT WASN’T LIKE IT WAS CENSORED OR SOMETHING!!!!

Teh hospital scene…I suppose you wanted to speed up the breaking up of Ron and Lavender. But…I don’t know I find it really lame. We’ll go back to this under Screenplay.

8. Nymphadora and Remus – ….YOU DIDN’T GET TOGETHER TILL THE END OF THE BOOK, but this is once again, guilty as charged under screenplay.

Now. The biggest shocker of all.

9. SCREENPLAY. Look, in #5, we were raving mad, calling the movie a flop because of the way the last scene was rewritten. But at least there WAS the last scene. Here? If any of you were looking and waiting for the last battle scene? You’ll be left wanting. It won’t happen.

I’m serious. The biggest, longest scene of the entire book, cut like that. I know that in blockbusters, typically you will have the buildup, the climax, the denouement and so on. This is a blockbuster, ok. It ain’t gonna win no Cannes awards. So where is it all? The entire reason why Rowling had the entire battle scene was because it was the climax of the book. When you take that out, what’re you left with? Nothing. It made you feel like you sat through the 2.5 hours for NOTHING. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. when you reached that point, then it felt like you sat through a neverending torturous string of pseudo-climaxes, and it wasn’t even worth it.

And what did it mean? You don’t get to see the important thing – that Bill became half a werewolf. That Tonks and Remus got together properly. Instead, what do you waste it on? setting the burrow on fire, and having a wild goose chase amongst cornrows in a corn field (I kid you not.) What is this, a bad remake of Locust? It also means that there was this huuuge gap between which Harry witnessed Snape killing Dumbledore (not petrified, but fully able to move, not under any invisibility cloak), and the Death eaters striding away (with Bellatrix breaking a few windows on the way.) Maybe for the next ten minutes, Harry was torn between jumping after Dumbledore to his own death (which, if I was him, being caught in such a lousy film, I would have done) and going after the death eaters. Which he eventually did, anyway…about 25 years later. He waited so long, that even with him running at full speed and the death eaters merely striding away, he couldn’t catch up with them until they reached Hagrid’s hut.

And speaking of which?

10. Aragog’s death – HOW DARE YOU REWRITE HAGRID THAT HE WOULD ALLOW SLUGHORN TO GRAB A BOTTLE OF ARAGOG’S VENOM. HAGRID WOULD NEVER DO THAT. HE WOULD NEVER SAY “YEAH, I SUPPOSE IT WOULDN’T HURT HIM.” HAGRID WOULD HAVE KILLED SLUGGO ON THE SPOT.

11. And while I”m on that subject – Sluggo’s casting was another mistake. He looks nothing, feels nothing, like the Sluggo in the book. He’s not the prat that he is, he’s like this rather tottery little old man who looks liek he doesn’t know quite why he’s there or what he’s doing.

12. Quidditch uniform – downright ugly.

13. Hermione would NEVER say “so I snogged Krum so what?” or something to that extent. Hermione’s not that kind to flash her snogging history in public, I should think. And Ron’s reaction wasn’t at all there. Look, are you jealous or not? The entire reason why Ron even got together with Lavender was because he was angry that Hermione snogged Krum. You don’t get that at all. In fact, you just kinda think Ron was depraved. Which is an insult to him.

14. But the Hermione drunk scene was rather funny, though utterly random and had me going wtf? many times. (in real words.) seriously, good thing there was only 3 of us and we were all seated far far away. I kept cussing at the screen and laughing my ass off, and not in a nice way nor for a nice reason.

Okay, I’ve forgotten anything else.

All in all, it reminded me of how much I enjoyed going to watch movies alone. It really lets you concentrate and gives me my much craved me-time. Even if it’s a lousy movie. I know I”m watching #7 alone again. I need to concentrate so that I can either rave about it or blast it down.

And on that note? Look, #4 wasn’t a total failure. Do you know how many tears I wept? Even after watching it…twice? I wept like a looney at Pattinson’s death scene. Here, Dumbledore died, and I found it hard to shed a tear ( I shed a few, but it was really easy to stop.).

15. Oh wait – of course, the extremely crap ending. I know it’s described as such in the book, but I can hardly believe McGonagall and everybody else would just stand there and stare. You’ve already butchered the book beyond belief. Why not just butcher it this time, at least, it’d be in the right, plausible direction. And that stupid let’s put our wands up in a Malcolm-X I Have A Dream style? Bloody ridiculous. It spoiled the entire death scene (which turned out to be the so-called climax), but actually I wasn’t sorry to see Gambon die, that gay paedo perv.

16. Nah, I suppose the climax was Snape’s “I…am the Half Blood Prince” and everybody’s supposed to gasp. Once again, Yates, pls remember- you’ve lost the ones who don’t read HP. You should NOT count on these moments as climax. It leaves us barking furious.

To save the movie, there were the occasional witty lines, though not enoguh to compensate the entire shittiness of the movie. The scene where the dead bodies jump out really had me jumping out of my seat – the guy behind me must have laughed his brains out watching me. But when there’s only one I jumped moment, when there were so many in the book, it’s just laughable.It’s not action, than what? Romance? The romance was written so rubbishly! At the most I can only say it’s a badly done inspired-by-a-novel film. That’s all.

The trailer? Basically has the best parts. Everything in between, is pure rubbish. Just watch the trailer and you’ll feel a lot happier, because if you try to watch this, you’ll just feel cheated. The trailer outshone the movie, making it seem like it was worth watching when it really isn’t. How sad.

Only watch it if, like me, you’re an obsessed, diehard fan who cannot miss anything HP (except the games because they received exceedingly horrible reviews.).

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